If you’ve ever read Elephant Journal, you’ve likely stumbled upon the powerful prose of Kate Rose.
This yogi is one fierce and prolific writer, each post as profound as the last. With work entitled You Can’t Screw Up the Relationship with your Twin Flame and I was Scared to Love You, she enchants the reader, perfectly capturing the intense complexities and paradoxes of love; it’s like she just wrote the story of your heart.
Here, Kate gives PRAVAYAMA a beautiful insight into her deepest moments of darkness, her greatest lessons in love, and shares her experiences of yoga, passion, the moon, femininity, and motherhood.
Falling Apart On The Mat
I had practiced yoga off and on for a decade before I actually gave myself over to a full practice of it. During this time my marriage was falling apart and quite honestly so was I. It wasn’t just that I didn’t know where to turn; it was that I truly couldn’t even see the way out of the life I had settled for.
In the beginning yoga was an escape, somewhere I could go and just be after my children were in bed so that I didn’t have to deal the situation of being around my ex, but over time it developed into something much deeper.
I’ll never forget the first time I cried on my mat; it felt like more of a release than I had ever experienced before, and I felt connected to myself, my practice and also to a new life that was slowly presenting itself to me.
Going to yoga became just as necessary as eating or sleeping. I wasn’t just gaining strength or improving my physical health, but I also was gaining clarity, confidence and a spiritual sense of peace which became crucial to my journey.
Sitting Gracefully In Her Darkness
One of the most important aspects of this journey was for me to learn to accept and sit with my own darkness. While I love the radiance of a beautiful sunrise, it doesn’t mean that I also don’t cry underneath the darkness of the moon. I no longer run from my darkness; I don’t see it as a flaw or something that I have to cover up or pretend I’m not experiencing.
Instead when I am having a dark day I simply sit with it, I curl up under a feather comforter on my porch and let myself cry, I write what’s in my heart but I also breathe deep and let it go knowing that nothing is meant to be held onto forever.
Writing From Her Soul
Writing is not just a passion, but also an outlet for my soul. When I sit to write about love, as I am so often drawn to, it becomes almost a spiritual practice itself.
I have to tune into my heart, the same as I would during meditation and be ready to sit with whatever comes up. Sometimes it’s triumphant and splendid, joy and ecstasy, yet other times it’s pain, heartbreak and even confusion.
I don’t run from what comes up, because I’ve learned that those emotions that we view as uncomfortable are just as necessary as those that make our hearts soar.
The Greatest Lessons In Love
On my journey I’ve learned a great deal about the giving and receiving of romantic love. One of the biggest is that ‘amazing’ is possible. If we expect our love to move mountains then that is what we will accept.
Likewise if we still doubt our worthiness, or think love is just a meeting of conveniences then we won’t be surprised when our romantic relationship feels more like a business transaction than a soulful experience.
But, by far my favourite and deepest lesson is that sometimes you truly have to look like a fool for love. You have to choose to believe when it seems impossible, to give when it seems all is lost and to never waiver even if everyone around you thinks you’re crazy. Because sometimes the really great loves simply require really great faith, not just in it, but in ourselves as well.
Expressing Her Passions
Passion is what fuels my life, without it, life seems to be only a shadow of its possibilities. One of my oldest passions is art; I have been an artist for as long as I can remember, using charcoal, photography, painting and even fabric art to give life to the thoughts, feelings and emotions inside of me. Besides being a practising artist myself, I also use it in art therapy with children who have been traumatised in order to help them process and heal these experiences.
Yet, as diverse as my passions are – they are not traditional. I haven’t just picked one aspect of myself to let flourish, or limited myself according to who I was yesterday. I have given myself permission to make those hard decisions, the ones that shape us into who we are meant to be, even if that means I’m seen as rule-breaker by some.
Being Enchanted With The Moon
I think the world is divided into two kinds of people, those who are in love with the moon and her phases and those who barely notice Luna at all. For me, I have always loved the moon. Perhaps it began as a child when my mother would tell me we were going to follow the sun, or maybe when she gave me my first book of constellations that glowed in the dark and I would sit outside until the dew began to dampen the grass as I looked up in wonderment at the beauty of the stars.
I am always looking up.
It feels like I have a close relationship with the moon; I wax and wane yet I’m also a constant just like her. As I’ve gotten older my monthly cycles have also synched with the lunar phases, something that women’s bodies did naturally for centuries before we introduced hormonal birth control. I don’t see that any of us, myself included are separate from the moon and stars, but rather that we are a part of them. Our bodies moved like the tides of the oceans, and it’s this deep timeless knowledge that inspires me to study and write about the effects that the moon and stars have upon us here on earth.
Moon Cycle Rituals
Each phase of the moon holds a greater meaning. Full moons are a time for truth, for shedding what we no longer need, and holding space for all that we’ve experienced. Often times I will write intentions of those things I wish to let go of during this time and will burn it underneath the radiance of Luna, breathing deep and releasing it to the universe.
Yet new moons are a time for planting new seeds, beginnings and having faith in what we can’t see. During this lunation phase I also write intentions – but I plant them instead of burning them. I will place them in the dirt under trees or flowers outside, or even in a pot of dirt inside with seeds, knowing that by the time the seeds or flowers blossom my intention will have come to fruition.
My daughters see Luna as a friend, and are always happily exclaiming that she is watching over them, which I suppose is the truth for all of us.
The Divine Feminine
I feel my divine femininity in my heart and deeply rooted through my root chakra. I practice love, vulnerability and honesty especially with a romantic partner and most importantly when it isn’t easy. I take responsibility for my triggers and limitations, but make no true apologies for being anyone other than myself.
As I’ve grown I’ve realised that feminine has nothing to do with being weak. It doesn’t mean that we have to be afraid of our softness. I enjoy dancing, the sway of my hips, wearing my hair long and feeling it brush the bare skin of my back and wearing dresses that move with me. I also enjoy being sensual with the one that I love; kissing, touching, massage and other intimate acts that lets me melt into my own divine feminine energy while I compliment his divine masculine.
“I take responsibility for my triggers and limitations, but make no true apologies for being anyone other than myself. “
Breathe deep, and now let go.
It doesn’t mean I run or push people and situations away, but it does mean that I simply let life be. I think that the philosophical principle of letting go is one that resonates across daily life for so many of us because of our need or desire to try to control life.
It seems that the more we struggle against life the more difficulties we experience. But if we simply learn to breathe deep and let go of any expectations, or fears that would have us hinder the natural flow then we are making space and inviting the divine into our lives. We are inviting in possibility, beauty, love and of things working out far better than we could ever have imagined them to.
Acceptance Of What Is Or Isn’t
One of the biggest lessons I have learned on my mat is to accept where we are at in any given moment. Sometimes I get onto my mat and I feel like it just flows easily and my body bends and moves in exactly the ways that I want it to. Yet, at others it feels as if there is sometimes a tightness or stiffness that in the beginning I used to become frustrated by because I saw it as not being as good as I was the previous day.
With time I began to accept where I am at as neither positive or negative but only necessary. I accepted my stiffness on the mat, and my mistakes in life. I also began to view others the same way as well, no one will ever do or be everything any of us want all of the time, especially in those moments of pain or heartache, but we can still chose to accept them where they are on their journey.
Absorbing Powerful Words Of Others
I read as much as I write, so it’s the words of others that have ultimately guided me on my own journey. Reading Soul Shifts by Dr. Barbara DeAngelis was a life changing experience; poring over The Prophet while a senior in high school by candlelight helped me become who I was meant to be; practicing the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me release my childhood wounds, move into love and out of suffering and the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed breathed beauty into my soul.
Religion And Nature
While I do attend religious services, I also am deeply in touch with the natural world around me. For me, it seems at times that connecting in nature is as much of a religious ritual as any services might be.
A few years ago there was a day when I woke up alone and was struggling with feeling that I was shedding an old skin in order for a new one to grow. It’s not that I was resisting but I felt uncomfortable and restless. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I got into my old blue car, cranked up the music and drove north.
I found myself at a local gorge where a river has cut through centuries of rock and I climbed out onto the biggest boulder in the middle of the river and I talked to God. I let my tears fall from my face and land around me, I held my own shaking shoulders and I let it all out; every fear, trepidation and anxiety I had about this new life that I felt blooming before me and as dusk began to fall and the evening birds began to call low along the riverbanks I felt an overwhelming sense of peace wash over me.
I felt like I could breathe again, and I had an overwhelming sense of peace; in that moment it wasn’t just that I was communicating with the universe, but it felt like the universe was speaking to me as well.
Faith & Guidance
The universe and God have always been a part of who I am, even when I wasn’t aware of it. Yet, like so many it was that moment when I was on my knees crying unable to see the way out of a life I had thought I needed that I finally understood what it meant to actually have a spiritual relationship.
In order for me to become the woman that I was meant to I had to divorce my husband, and venture out on a new path with just my children and my hope for a better life.
There was a lot of darkness in the beginning, and I would pray, eyes closed and puffy, tears streaking down my blotchy face, for a sign. I asked to be guided, to help me and I had faith even when nothing was instantaneous, I believed and kept praying.
With time that relationship has deepened with the knowledge that we will always be guided to where we need to be, whether it’s because of our choices or in spite of them. I chose to believe in a greater plan, because it helps me live a greater life full of meaning and beauty.
The Greatest Lessons From Motherhood
When I first had my daughters I remember being in a state of awe – and also slightly rocked off kilter. I didn’t know how to be a mother, it’s not that I thought I would somehow mess it up, but it took a while for it to sink that that these tiny little people we actually mine.
For me, one of the first lessons they taught me was that I am capable of so much more than I set my own limit at. At times it seems that we can’t get any happier, feel any more love, do anymore or even keep going at times…but as mothers it doesn’t mean we won’t. My children taught me to push past every limit I ever perceived, not just for myself, but also for them.
The other crucial lesson is that no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect, not even for them. I will have my bad days, I will make mistakes, but it’s not my perfection that they need but only my effort in this life. And I think this has carried through with living out my passions, with breaking the rules if necessary, because no one is supposed to be perfect…we’re only supposed to just be ourselves, flaws and all.